I feel my hand in his as I lay my head against his chest. So real, so tangible, and yet I keep a firm grasp around his neck, never taking my eyes away in fear that he'll disappear.
Don't do this, my inner voice warns, you know how this turns out.
And all the while I feel the walls around my heart crumbling as I stare into his blue eyes.
It's okay, I tell myself. I know it's merely a moment in time, not an eternity. Let me enjoy it as long as it may last. But my heart is not happy and it warns me of the consequences- of the pain to come.
And then he smiles at me and my heart is won over as well.
"You've been waiting a long time," he says quietly.
"All of my life," I whisper in his ear, and then he kisses me.
"I'll love you forever," he says.
I suppose he thought that the tears in my eyes were from happiness or were created out of love. Little did he know that forever held no meaning in this world-- in his world. There was no forever and when this time came to an end, I'd never see him again. He was just one moment, one second, out of an entire lifetime...
But for now, he was mine. Within his arms and with every word he spoke, I felt more love than I'd ever known in real life. Perhaps because he was created just for me and only lived because I gave him life. But his strong arms, the touch of his hand, and the warmth of his breath upon my neck felt as real as any man and I was torn between sadness and contentment.
My hand clenched tightly to his shirt and I never took my eyes off of him, and yet, even so, it did not stop the scene from changing.
I was no longer in his arms; he now stood several feet away. My heart fell as I stretched my arm out to him.
"I have to go," he said.
And I felt the knife in my heart, twisting ever so slowly.
"No," I pleaded. "We still have time. Stay with me."
I knew that no matter what I said he was going to leave, but hoping against hope I said, "Then I'll go with you." And for a moment, I almost believed that that was possible as I moved towards him, tears flowing as I reached for his hand.
"You can't go where I'm going," he said. " But I won't be gone long." He gave me a gentle smile and a look that said 'you worry too much'.
As I opened my mouth to beg him, to tell him...he leaned in and kissed me and held me one last time.
"I love you," he said, kissing me on the forehead before he stepped back. "I'll be back soon. I love you forever."
If only he had understood, then I don't think he would've let me go.
And as I tried to think of something to say that would make him understand he vanished into the dark recesses of my mind.
The pain was unbelievable as if someone that I loved had died. I fell to my knees and sobbed so hard that it woke me up.
I laid there with my eyes closed trying to recapture the feel of his arms around me, the love in his eyes, the feel of his hand in mine.
My pillow was wet from the tears that were still ongoing. The pain of loss still lingered in my chest. I kept my eyes closed, refusing to let him go even though he was already gone.
And eventually I drifted back to sleep, but the dreams stayed behind a black curtain and did not reveal themselves.
I can still see his face and I wonder if he's somewhere in the darkness trying to find his way back to me and then I feel an old, familiar pain rise just below the surface.
I often laugh at how absurd I am. But, hey, he kind of looked like Brad Pitt! So all is justified. I'm not crazy at all. :D