The Man of My Dreams, No Really- He was just a Dream

I feel my hand in his as I lay my head against his chest. So real, so tangible, and yet I keep a firm grasp around his neck, never taking my eyes away in fear that he'll disappear.

 Don't do this, my inner voice warns, you know how this turns out.

 And all the while I feel the walls around my heart crumbling as I stare into his blue eyes.

 It's okay, I tell myself. I know it's merely a moment in time, not an eternity. Let me enjoy it as long as it may last. But my heart is not happy  and it warns me of the consequences- of the pain to come.

 And then he smiles at me and my heart is won over as well.

 "You've been waiting a long time," he says quietly.

 "All of my life," I whisper in his ear, and then he kisses me.

 "I'll love you forever," he says.

I suppose he thought that the tears in my eyes were from happiness or were created out of love. Little did he know that forever held no meaning in this world-- in his world. There was no forever and when this time came to an end, I'd never see him again. He was just one moment, one second, out of an entire lifetime...

But for now, he was mine. Within his arms and with every word he spoke, I felt more love than I'd ever known in real life. Perhaps because he was created just for me and only lived because I gave him life. But his strong arms, the touch of his hand, and the warmth of his breath upon my neck felt as real as any man and I was torn between sadness and contentment.

My hand clenched tightly to his shirt and I never took my eyes off of him, and yet, even so, it did not stop the scene from changing.

I was no longer in his arms; he now stood several feet away. My heart fell as I stretched my arm out to him.

"I have to go," he said.

 And I felt the knife in my heart, twisting ever so slowly.

  "No," I pleaded. "We still have time. Stay with me."

 "I can't."

I knew that no matter what I said he was going to leave, but hoping against hope I said, "Then I'll go with you." And for a moment, I almost believed that that was possible as I moved towards him, tears flowing as I reached for his hand.

 "You can't go where I'm going," he said. " But I won't be gone long." He gave me a gentle smile and a look that said 'you worry too much'.

As I opened my mouth to beg him, to tell him...he leaned in and kissed me and held me one last time.

"I love you," he said, kissing me on the forehead before he stepped back. "I'll be back soon. I love you forever."

 If only he had understood, then I don't think he would've let me go.

And as I tried to think of something to say that would make him understand he vanished into the dark recesses of my mind.

The pain was unbelievable as if someone that I loved had died. I fell to my knees and sobbed so hard that it woke me up.

 I laid there with my eyes closed trying to recapture the feel of his arms around me, the love in his eyes, the feel of his hand in mine.

My pillow was wet from the tears that were still ongoing. The pain of loss still lingered in my chest. I kept my eyes closed, refusing to let him go even though he was already gone.

And eventually I drifted back to sleep, but the dreams stayed behind a black curtain and did not reveal themselves.

I can still see his face and I wonder if he's somewhere in the darkness trying to find his way back to me and then I feel an old, familiar pain rise just below the surface.

I often laugh at how absurd I am. But, hey, he kind of looked like Brad Pitt! So all is justified. I'm not crazy at all.  :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdW5Nt5Cd7Y&feature=fvwrel

Just Wanted to Say Thank You

With working forty plus hours a week, editing, writing, subbing, and beta reading-- I've had little time to keep up with my blog, and even less time for keeping up with everyone else's. Which makes me feel bad because so many of you have read mine or at least parts of it.

So, I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and/or comment on my blog, and for your continuing support. I'm following more blogs right now than I could ever possibly read, but hoping I can get some time to drop in on a few in the near future when things aren't so hectic.

I appreciate and cherish your comments. Thank you so very much for reading. <3

Dragon's Journal

It's not easy living alone in a time that is not yours. Once a mighty, powerful beast-- now chained by a society that wants to keep me beaten down. And though the chains upon my legs and neck are invisible, they are binding all the same. And I know that I'll never break free; I'll never fly. My wings are broken and my spirit is crushed under the weight of my captor's chains.

My cave is falling down around me and the water has been dried up for over a year. Food is scarce and what little I can get comes at a high price. Day and night they try to take my cave, they try to beat the will to live out of me. But I sustain, and survive the best I can.

I toil my life away, my feet and back ache, but I work consistently, and yet it is still not enough for them. Through sweat and tears, I put one foot in front of the other, but day by day I grow more weary. A heart once strong and full of dreams and love is now just a vessel filled with pain and despair. I long to be free; I long to fly.

I look upon the heavens and let out a mournful cry, but get no reply. I am alone, perhaps the last of my kind.

Fire has turned into nothing more than mere smoke-- and dreams into ashes. The chains tighten around my neck threatening to choke out my very existence.

 I used to have dreams of another dragon, one of light like a bright star on the horizon. One that would one day come and break these chains that bind me--one that would free me from my oppressors. But now my nights are restless, I sleep little and dream no more. I grow old and weak as my enemies grow stronger, and soon the last dragon will be a passing thought in the minds of those who remember of a time when dragon wings spread gracefully in blue skies and shined with the promise of magic and light in an otherwise bleak world. Afterall what is life without magic? Without dreams of what could be? What is a land without dragons?

Dragon's Land/Flying with Broken Wings-- a WIP.

RIP RAY BRADBURY

I had no idea of Ray Bradbury's death until I read Rhoda's blog
http://glitter-n-gore.livejournal.com/13155.html

I have no words to convey the feelings I have on losing this great writer. Though, it's been a while since I read one of his books, he has always been and will always be an inspiration to me. God rest his soul.

Bradbury 1920-2012

Tormented Soul

         I have lived a million years. I have loved and lost; I've lived and died many times over. I watch the world as an outsider, always keeping my distance. My mind reels at the cruelty and evil that abounds before me. I pity the victims who have been mistreated, abused, and unjustly accosted. I do not put myself in the victim category, but I can sympathize.

I watch from afar, lovers hand in hand, affectionate hugs-tender kisses and I cringe at the sight, seeing only the pain yet to come. I wonder when they will know of its sharp sting. I am saddened to know that they will one day feel the pain in which I've felt.

Innocent babes, God's children. Once rocked and basked in their Father's love.

 Souls of purity. I ponder on why he chose to cast them down into a cold, relentless

world of little compassion and unthinkable evil. Pure, loved souls suddenly subjected

 to pain, hate, greed, and despair. I don't have the answers, I just watch and mourn as

 these souls are twisted and molded into something else.

        I have strayed from God; I have been lost. I have wandered the world alone,

seeking  answers that will not come, looking for shelter, but finding none. I have been

beaten and tortured. I've faced death and evil many times, some battles I overcame

bearing the scars and the bitter-sweet taste of victory—some I did not. Some of me has died,

or

 gotten lost along my travels. I seek a way to fill in the missing pieces, but the holes

are too vast and the wounds run too deep. Am I a victim of this cruel world?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Many bad decisions and wrong  paths taken have led me to

where I am today, much blame rests upon my shoulders. It weighs me down; my

 legs often feel as if they are made of lead as I search for the light. Always seeking,

 always praying. I am, after all, God's child. The light is before me, I just can't see it; I 

can't get myself clear from the darkness that shrouds my soul, my heart, and my mind.

I close my eyes and see no dreams. Only remnants of the ones I buried long ago. Sometimes they prod at me, trying to come back to life. I force them back into their cold graves where they belong. I have no room for them in my life and they will not tease me as they've done before. My heart is steel and I wear my armor proudly. Not invincible, but less vulnerable as I was in my youth. I'm a warrior—a survivor, and I carry on with what strength I have left. Hardened by life, but a heart still soft and gentle when it comes to family, friends, and children.

I fight armies alone; I hold the world on my shoulders. Enemies come and I stand my ground, even when I'm attacked from all sides. Sometimes the battles are won—sometimes lost. It's the way of things, but a way that I'm well accustomed to.

I look upon the mountains, the sky, the trees, and the moon for answers. I look towards God, and sigh, for I know that I am unworthy. I relentlessly seek a path that will lead me to peace, contentment, and understanding, but I am blind so I travel in darkness. I wish to bring light, love, and joy to others, but the way is unclear and beyond me. Sadness veils my heart--despair clouds my mind.

Upon knees, I fall and weep at my own sins. I cry out to God, begging for his forgiveness and mercy. My strength is drained and it's a struggle to rise again, to fight the overpowering urge to surrender—to give up.

The sun rises; the sun sets. I stare up at the moon; it repels the darkness. And I breathe again.

I've seen tell-tale signs of kindness, truth, compassion, and even love. So, I go along my way-- seeking, searching in chance that I may stumble across it or catch a glimpse of such things again before I die.

Dreams poke and prod, I shove them down. I walk tall, though I've been battered and am weak. I walk alone. Watching, seeking, grasping for something unknown.

         I am a warrior- I am what I am, but I'd rather be a babe of purity basking in my

Father's arms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KcRl1p2waM&list=FL5RjogWbE035lOannv6ZhEg&feature=mh_lolz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH2w6Oxx0kQ&feature=mr_meh&list=FL5RjogWbE035lOannv6ZhEg&playnext=0

Post Apocalyptic Survivor?

Do you picture yourself as a warrior? A Daryl or perhaps even a Shane? (The Walking Dead) or Eli (Book of Eli). Are you carrying a sword and hacking off zombie heads, even though you never wielded a sword in your life. Or maybe you're an expert marksman and shooting them between the eyes, even though you've never even owned a gun. Will you be the one to outwit, outman, and outarm the cannibals or the rebels that are after your food, water, and your life? Of course you will be, because you're just cool like that.

But in all reality& (nonreality) if zombies rose from the depths of death, or an epic virus spread across the nation, or in the case of global nuclear warfare- most of us will be the first to die, or a lot of us would be the zombies. But what fun is it to imagine that you're a corpse or a slow, dead-brained, walking heap of rotting meat?

Would you, if you were like one of the perhaps twenty-five percent that live, search out others? Safety in numbers. Or would you be the bad ass loner that feels that others only hinder your survival? Would you share what little food you had or help someone who is surrounded by enemies? Or say, "Screw that!" Would you even shoot someone in the leg to insure your own escape if necessary, or unnecessary (yes, a Shane reference, just gotta love that guy unless you're the one he shot in the leg and got left for zombie bait).

But who do you think has the best chance at survival? Maybe someone in the military? After all they are trained for combat. Or maybe someone who lives in the mountains away from society? The only problem is, is that they won't know what's going on and ignorance isn't always bliss when a zombie is standing over your bed. A cop? A killer? A trained assasin, or maybe a stealthy ninja?
Or maybe you?


I imagine that I'll be kick ass with my sword and dagger (yes, I have those). Have I ever used them? er...no, but that matters not because I'll instantly become the greatest swordmaster, warrior, and zombie slayer ever because I have a big imagination. Cower in the corner and become zombie bait?! I think not. hehee, I'll no doubt be one of the first to die, just a pile of bones on the corner. Not from zombies, war, or nuclear fall-out, but from the loss of the internet. I'm pretty sure I won't survive that.

How do you picture yourself in a post apocalyptic world?

*novel research*

and well hell, just for the fun of it. :D

Happy Mother's Day

Want to wish all you mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day. I hope it was a good day for all of you. :)

I spent the day with my darling daughter. Now that she's grown and married I don't get to see her nearly enough. Memories dance in my mind of when she was young and it's hard to think of her as all grown up now. And my boy is also married and now has two children of his own. Strange how time passes so quickly and we don't even know it. Seems as if they'll be young forever, then you wake up one day and they're graduating. Then before you know it they're married, out of the house, and having children of their own. And it makes us old, or at least we feel that way.

I remember a small hand in mine, bedtime stories, a smile, tears, monsters in the closet, the sound of little feet, the laughter, the questions, the giggles, eyes wide in awe at something new, first steps, bedtime denials, funny things they said, a hug, a kiss, a cherished moment caught on camera, watching them as they slept, worrying when they were hurt or ill, a tug on my pants, dancing and singing, school plays, and a constant stream of mom? mom? mom? mom? These are some of the things that I'll always remember and cherish. And then came the teenage years, but lets not spoil the moment. :D

And while I am not the best mother in the world, they are my world.<3 I hope they know that I love them and that they forgive me for my mistakes.